The Twelve Steps AGENDAS
As Published by the Animal Rights Community

Twelve Steps Agenda
Buttkickersanonymous'
Style

1 .We are firmly committed to the eventual abolition by law of animal research, and call for an immediate prohibition of painful experiments and tests.
1. Abolish by law the privileges of animal rights activists to benefit from any medical research using animals. Band-Aids will be the only course of treatment allowed with all profits benefiting Buttkickersanonymous.
2. The use of animals for cosmetics and household product testing, tobacco and alcohol testing, psychological testing, classroom demonstrations and dissection, and in weapons development or other warfare programs must be outlawed immediately.
2. Cosmetic and product testing will be conducted on all animal rights activists. They will be required to wear make-up and wash and condition their hair as a means of not scaring the rest of us with their paleness and frizzy flyaway locks.
3. We encourage vegetarianism for ethical, ecological, and health reasons. Vegetarian meals should be made available to all public institutions including primary and secondary schools. 3. Vegetables will be made available at every street corner to aid us in having something to throw at animal rights demonstrators.
4. Steps should be taken to begin phasing out intensive confinement systems of livestock production, also called factory farming, which causes severe physical and psychological suffering for the animals kept in overcrowded and unnatural conditions.
4. All animal rights activists will be required to work on farms and ranches, especially cleanup duties, while the rest of us enjoy watching from our barbecue grills!
5. The use of herbicides, pesticides, and other toxic agricultural chemicals should be phased out. Predator control on public lands should be immediately outlawed and steps should be taken to introduce native predators to areas from which they have been eradicated in order to restore the balance of nature.
5. Herbicides, pesticides and agricultural chemicals will no longer be in such demand. All bugs, rats, mice and other pests will be gathered and bussed to the homes of animal rights activists. The experience they will have gained from working on farms and ranches will aid them in the proper care of these pests. All members of animal owners organizations will have access to inspect animal rights activists homes anytime of the day or night to ensure the pests are being properly cared for. Should we find ANY lack of care, all pests shall be confiscated with all expenses billed to the animal rights activists. Meanwhile all participating animal rights activists will be hauled off to prison with a mandatory five-year term.
6. Responsibility for enforcement of animal welfare legislation must be transferred from the Department of Agriculture to an agency created for the purpose of protecting animals and the environment. 6. All legislation will be enforced through politicians of our choosing who know nothing of animal rights and furthermore will allow no input from opposing viewpoints lest we sue to get what we want!
7. All animal rights activists will be required to live in cold climates and shall have no heat in their homes. Fur will be the only means of keeping warm, and Buttkickersanonymous shall select all the colors of spray paint used to decorate the furs!
7. Commercial trapping and fur ranching should be eliminated. We call for an end to the use of furs while recognizing Western society's responsibility to support alternative livelihood for native peoples who now rely on trapping because of the colonial European and North American fur industries.
8. Hunting, trapping, and fishing for sport should be prohibited. State and federal agencies should focus on preserving and reestablishing habitat for wild animals instead of practicing game species management for maximum sustainable yield. 8. Animal rights activists shall be required to feed all the bears, deer, cougars and all other predators. Birth control pills for deer shall be given in an orderly manner, with all deer lining up and receiving their pills with a glass of water to aid in swallowing. All costs of such programs shall be paid through a tax fund supported by animal rights activists. All responsible animal owners and enthusiasts shall be totally exempt from such taxation.
9. All animal rights activists will be required to speak no less than three foreign languages. While animal owners are negotiating foreign trade in wildlife goods, animal rights activists shall be the servers of refreshments and shall be in charge of cleanup duty.
9. Internationally, steps should be taken by the US government to prevent further destruction of rain forests. Additionally, we call on the US government to act aggressively to end international trade in wildlife and goods produced from exotic and/or endangered fauna or flora.
10. We strongly discourage any further breeding of companion animals, including pedigreed or purebred dogs and cats. Spay and neuter clinics should be subsidized by state and municipal governments. Commerce in domestic and exotic animals for the pet trade should be abolished.
10. There will be no further reproduction of animal rights activists. Spaying and neutering shall be mandatory and within ten years, they should be out of our hair and not be considered an endangered species but shall forever be known as the "GONE SPECIES"!
11. We call for an end to the use of animals in entertainment and sports such as dog racing, dog and cock fighting, fox hunting, hare coursing, rodeos, circuses, and other spectacles and a critical reappraisal of the use of animals in quasi-educational institutions such as zoos and aquariums. Any animals held captive must have their psychological, behavioral, and social needs satisfied.
11. Animal rights activists shall be required to own no less than two pooper scoopers and will be required by law to have no less than two years of schooling in the college or university furthermost from their homes to ensure proper use and control of the pooper scoopers. All schooling expenses will be paid for entirely by animal rights activists. The rest of us shall be exempt of course. It will be necessary for not less than two but no more than five animal rights activists to be present with their pooper scoopers at all rodeo, sports and entertainment activities. By law, there shall be NO MORE THAN FIVE animal rights activists in any arena at one time. No animal owner should have to tolerate any more manure than that at any given time in any given situation!
12. The genes that have produced animal rights activists shall be totally eliminated. Within ten years, all animal rights activists should be extinct and the only way animal owners will see an animal rights activist is in a jar in a museum, to be viewed from a distance, of course!
12. Advances in biotechnology are posing a threat to the integrity of species, which may ultimately reduce all living beings to the level of patentable commodities. Genetic manipulation of species to produce transgenic animals must be prohibited.
The Twelve Steps Agenda, According to Buttkickersanonymous,
was written by Karen Strange, President of the Missouri Federation of Animal Owners.
The animal rights platform sets the goals for ending the use of animals: The animal rights agenda was published in Animals' Agenda magazine in November 1987.
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